Trusting in Karma

Trigger warning!

I know of a little girl who was sexual abused. She’s only six. Her parents have her in counseling. Check. I saw her running and playing with her friends on the playground the other day. She looked so normal, happy and free. As she ran down the hill to the other side of the school yard, I noticed her wet pants. She’d had an accident. It happens frequently with her and we all know what that means.  It’s moments like that when memories of my childhood come rushing back with such force that it can take me to my knees instantly. I wanted to weep and melt but I couldn’t. I had to be the teacher, the adult. So I’m weeping now.

It’s definitely not mine to carry. My healing co-dependent wants to escape and go rescue her. Yeah, right. It’s out of my control; I understand. I’m finally getting it. Today I will channel love and light to her. I will be thankful that she is in counseling at the age of 6, and not 45, like me. I will be thankful that, while I know her parents are navigating uncharted territory, at least they took the right steps to report it and get her help, unlike my parents did. I will be thankful that she has a lot of love around her. I will be thankful, not angry.

But first I must release the contempt. Stupid fuckers! Fuck you for robbing children of their innocence. Fuck you for getting your kicks on little kids. Fuck you for living. May karma have you and wreak havoc on your soul.

Now then. Peace.

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Fear No More

 

I’m taking a trip to New York City next week. It’s my mid-life liberation trip, I guess. I’m going by myself. So strange. Never would I have done something like this even 1 year ago. But I’ve got this. I must get away from the crazies and spend 4 days on myself.  One of my favorite bands, Blue October, is playing in Westbury on the 12th. I’m going. I can’t fucking wait! Their music lets me know I am not alone. When you’re ready for something powerful, crank this up:

Playground of Exploration

I met a man recently. Well, I’ve met several actually, but this one in particular stands out. I put myself on an online dating site about 5 weeks ago. It was kind of a spur of the moment decision but also something I’d been thinking about for a few months off and on. What would it look like for me? Do I still have it? Who would be attracted to me? Would I be attracted to anyone? A friend of mine in my ladies group was given this task as homework and I’d kept it in the back of my mind.

I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to date. Still not sure, to be honest. Relationships with men are ever so complicated for me. I don’t have the capacity to deeply love a man. I fear I may never.

I’m calling this season in my life my “playground of exploration.” (Thank you, Sarah Blondin!) I heard that term in one of her meditations that I listen to over and over and over again. I’m not out to break any hearts. I’m definitely not out to fall in love. I simply must explore. I need to know if I can be comfortable in the presence of a man. I mean, really comfortable. I need to find out if a deep connection can exist between me and a man, like the deep connections I’ve found with my sisters. Is it possible?

So, back to this man I met. We big time hit it off. The conversations were smooth and easy, the attraction was high, and most importantly, I was so comfortable talking to him. It was new and unfamiliar. As a total experiment for myself I’d decided very early on (like 3 days in…) to lay my junk out. Again, if I can do it with my sisters, why not my brothers? And so I did. It was kind of like this, “So, I’m twice divorced and a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I started counseling about 2 years ago and it landed me right here, in this moment. Sorry to be so heavy.” Yep, I sure did. Wasn’t really sure of the response I’d get in return but I didn’t 100% care either. I’m experimenting…

You know what? He said, “That wasn’t heavy at all.” So, note to self, there are men out there who can hear my story and not be turned off. This coming from a woman whose ex-husband told me that my story grossed him out and made him uncomfortable.

Things got pretty uncomfortable for me with this new man. First I ran. Then I came back and said, “Sorry, I’m a runner, but I don’t want to run anymore.” He accepted it. Then I told him that I didn’t have the capacity to love him and be in an exclusive relationship and so now we are just friends. We text maybe once a week or so for a few short minutes or we like each other’s posts on Facebook and that’s about it.

Experiment done, with him anyways. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? In reality, we are all just experimenting, right? I don’t mean it in a crass sort of way. “I’m done with you! Next!” No, not like that. I gained a friend through it, and for that I am thankful. I felt confident releasing him back to God and the universe so that the right kind of love could find him. I knew it wasn’t me and didn’t want to waste his time. I still feel a very deep connection to him but I’m pretty sure that I feel it more than he does. Again, complicated.

I learned that not all men will be turned off by my story.  (But is it only men who have experienced some sort of abuse themselves? He had. Not sexual abuse, but abuse is abuse, and he understood.) I learned that when something or someone makes me uncomfortable, I can step out, because guess what? I’m an adult and I can make those decisions now. Talk about growth. Did I just say that I was an adult?

 

 

 

Family Ties

Just because they are family by blood does not mean you have to have family ties. If they are toxic, abusive or bring you down, you can release them. In many cases for survivors, friends are the best family.

Peace.

Love & Light

As I got into Child’s Pose this morning I turned on Kari Jobe’s rendition of, “Revelation Song.” I’ve been struggling with my faith for several years now. Desperately trying to hold on to a relationship with my God, who I figured out last summer, I’d created a co-dependent relationship with. Not fun. But it hit me like a bat to the head today. We are all just searching for the Light. The light is the same in me, as it is in you. I also have a such a clear vision of what Namaste is now. I can’t wait to wish others that tonight after my hot yoga class.

We are all perfectly imperfect. It’s what you can count on. I encourage you to release the shame. You are who you are. I am who I am. We are right where we need to be.

My desire remains to be a vessel of light. I refuse to judge others based on beliefs, gender identity, nationality or whatever. I just want to love. I may not ever go back to church, but I promise to love like Jesus loved. Everyone.

Peace.

 

Purge The Junk

I find myself dealing with the undeniable urge to purge. Last night my inner voice told me to start letting go of the material things that I brought with me from my former life.  They no longer serve me. This stuff has been taking up space in my closets and storage shed for almost a year and half and I’ve done nothing with it except be annoyed because I don’t have any room for anything else.

This morning it hit me. As the cool Autumn air breezes through my windows, I feel the winds of change blowing through my soul yet again. “Reevaluate. What do you need to purge from your soul warrior woman? What kind of junk is taking up space in your inner caverns? Let go of the intangible things that no longer serve you.”  I’m listening. I’m breathing into that space, all the way down to the root. I want to feel it, hear it, see it. And then I want to let it all go. It doesn’t scare me anymore. On the contrary, it liberates me.

The last year certainly hasn’t been easy. I’ve tackled so many demons but I am rising and I am stronger because of the journey. I am reminded today that I can either curl up into a ball and let defeat take over, or I can keep moving forward toward love and light. I prefer the latter due to the fact that I know now if I search for it, I find it and it finds me. If I run into it’s enemy, or darkness, I simply choose to turn away from it.

Peace my sisters and brothers. Keep on loving.

 

 

 

Shadowland

It’s the strangest thing. I wasn’t scared of shadows before I started therapy. But since the onset of PTSD, every single time I have a moment in the spotlight with my therapist and we dig deep, shadows haunt me for about a week or so. I see them everywhere. They sneak up on me. One of these days I’m going to scare them back.